The last few months have been a lot of fun for us. We've gotten to see so many friends and most of our family members. We tried to cram a year's worth of socializing into 12 weeks. Is it possible to have a socializing hangover? If so, I have one.
Here's the truth. I'm an introvert and suffer (sometimes greatly) from crippling social anxiety. But Christi, you might say, weren't you on the radio? Yes! But, you see, I had a character to play. It was an exaggerated version of myself. But Christi, you might protest, weren't you a theater major in college? Why, yes! Again, I always had a role to play. That was not precisely me on the stage. Rather, it's a fairly clever way of hiding. But Christi, you might scold, didn't you host parties at your house whenever you could and teach dog training classes to groups of people on a daily basis? Yep, and I'm pretty sure "teacher" and "hostess" are roles with well-defined parameters.
The culmination of a very full social calendar in the Twin Cities was a surprise 50th birthday party for me at a friend's home. If you are introverted, you might understand the horror of being the center of attention without clearly defined boundaries for an indeterminate amount of time. Luckily, I was able to refrain from hiding in the bathroom for the entire party.
As I started to question why such a thing would happen to me, I realized that it is completely my responsibility. I am far, far too good at masking my social anxiety. Many of my closest friends admitted that they'd had no idea that such a thing would make me nervous. That's on me. And that's why I might be a coward. Why mask at all? Why not just come out and admit that parties take a toll. My husband, of course, knows this. He's seen me completely shut down after a party. Entire rides home pass in total silence, recuperating. And there are a few other people who know about my sensitivity only because we've directly discussed it (not because they see me freaking out at a party).
One could argue that it's not necessary to show off one's weaknesses all the time to everyone. However, I feel that I need to come clean about this one, if only to make sure that I'm never the target of such a well-meaning, thoughtful and lovely gesture ever again! I'm an Introvert. And I suffer from social anxiety. If pushed too far, I will self medicate with cocktails. And I will pay for the effort of seeming upbeat and cheerful later. I will require lots and lots of quiet, sometimes for days. The last few months of socializing have left me feeling the distinct lack of silence. When we move on from Chicago, our last social stop for awhile, I suspect I'll soak in the silence like a hot bath for weeks before needing so much as a phone call.
So, cowardice? Self-preservation? Maybe it's a bit of both. Either way, I'm done hiding it.
